Dear Friends, Natalie and Joshua are gearing up for Christmas, as they do every year! Our home is decorated and we have beautiful lights on the outside thanks to neighbors, Bob and Dan, who ascended to our rooftop and outlined it with lights like Jerry has done for the past 2 years. I am sure Jerry must be beaming with pride for all our neighbors who are taking such good care of Natalie, Joshua and myself. We truly love each family! It is hard for me preparing for Christmas and the New Year without Jerry by my side. I miss his companionship so much and long for his input in decisions that I must make. I hate being the sole decision maker...and I'm such an indecisive person that it is so funny to me that God would even place me in this position! I just have to laugh sometimes and wonder what His plan is for my life. I have prayed that God will grant me wisdom in everything that I do, and asked that He very clearly lay it all out in front of me, even suggesting that He write it down on paper and just leave it on my countertop. How's that for bold! I'm sure God must shake His head sometimes and think, Candy, Candy, Candy. God certainly has a lot to teach me, and this has been my prayer lately: Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good spirit lead me on level ground. Psalm 143:10 As I still grieve for Jerry everyday, I am constantly reminded of Jesus' grief over the death of Lazarus. However, Jesus didn't weep because Lazarus had died, for He already knew that He was going to bring Lazarus back to life. He wept for the sisters because he saw all the pain they were suffering through and thus people He loved were hurting. I think of my own pain and suffering because of the death of Jerry and to quiet my affliction and grief, I've even wished that God would bring Jerry back to life. I have been reading A Grief Observed by C. S. Lewis. I am actually reading it through a second time and trying to catch everything I missed the first time around. In talking about his wife's death, Lewis also wishes for her return. He then says he never even raised the question whether such a return, if it were possible, would be good for her. Lewis states, "Could I have wished her anything worse? Having got once through death, to come back and then, at some later date, have all her dying to do over again? They call Stephen the first martyr. Hadn't Lazarus the rawer deal?" I had never thought of it that way. For in my affliction I am only thinking of myself and the restoration that I would like for my past life. Would I really want that for Jerry. I think about what all Jerry has gained through death, yes, through death. And now I am beginning to understand Paul's words in Philippians. For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. Philippians 1:21 I can only imagine what all Jerry has gained! He has gained a life in the full presence of the Almighty, free from cancer, free from pain, free from sin. Full of joy, full of happiness, full of peace. Would I really want him to leave all of that? No. And, that's where faith once again enters the picture. For without faith, it is impossible to please God. Hebrews 11:6a I have faith that God is walking this heartbreaking journey right alongside of me. When my heart breaks, His heart breaks. God mourns with me! He cares about every detail of my life. He is the author and perfector of my faith. I trust that He has good things in store for me. Believe that God is good. Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain. - Author Unknown Love, Candy

Thanksgiving in Yosemite

Dear Friends, Our Thanksgiving trip to Yosemite went well. The kids had an experience they will truly never forget. I thought a lot about Jerry and missed him terribly. I also cried a lot and was rather quiet. I could picture Jerry in everything we did and missed his conversation and laugh. He would have absolutely loved it. We hiked to the top of a waterfall (I barely made it!), but it was beautiful once I got there. The granite rocks and cliff walls are amazing, and the streams and waterfalls just added a glorius touch. There were 18 of us total - 4 families. We also did a lot of bike riding - it was our only mode of transportation during the day around the park...did I say a lot of bike riding! I wish you could have seen the 18 of us in our group all biking together from one place to another. People walking would stop and watch us go by! On our last night we even biked to the ice skating rink for some skating fun. It was foggy and pitch black and our only lighting was by flashlight...dangerous I know and I can't believe we did it. Once we got into the open night sky, God's creation glowed...I have never in my life seen so many stars out at one time, there must have been billions of stars. We had Thanksgiving dinner at the lodge with our next door neighbors, the Rennick family, and it was decorated so warmly and the meal was gourmet. Still yet, there was such a huge hole in my heart without Jerry and my heart just felt so deeply wounded, but we talked about him a lot and he was definitely not forgotten. This past Monday my brother, Greg, took us to buy a Christmas tree. Joshua picked it out and it is just a tad bit taller than I am, but oh so cute. Our 3 neighbor families came to our home and brought pizza and dessert. We ate together and then all the men put the lights on the tree and all the kids helped Natalie and Joshua decorate it. It was a sweet and special time and I cannot thank God enough for the 3 other families on our street who love us dearly and are taking care of our every need. We are all one big family. It is amazing how close we all are. Tomorrow, our neighbor Bob, is putting our Christmas lights on the outside of our house like Jerry did each year. He came over tonight and asked for the lights to get them ready. I pulled them off the garage shelf and they were in a garbage bag. To my shock and surprise every strand of lights were still hooked together in ONE BIG WAD. It was exactly like on the movie Christmas Vacation with Chevy Chase. I cannot believe Jerry did that and stored them that way. Needless to say, it took a while for us to untangle each strand. I was so embarrassed. Thanks Bob for your patience. Since the middle of September we have had family with us the entire time. On Tuesday my brother left and for the first time Natalie and Joshua and I were completely on our own. It felt strange and weird, quiet, lonely and sad. I am so thankful for all of you who have taken our suffering on as your own and are walking so closely with us, loving and supporting us. We continue to need your prayers, and probably will for a very long time. I am reminded morning by morning that God's mercy is new each day. His grace is fresh every morning and each day we taste HIS grace as if it were for the very first time. Although we are wounded beyond words, we are also very aware of just how blessed we are. Our hope is in the Lord and we will always continue to serve HIM. Love, Candy, Natalie and Joshua