It seems nearly impossible to even be writing this entry and that it has been a year since the news of Jerry's cancer was revealed. It was one year ago today that Jerry came home with his MRI results regarding his arm. I knew the news was not going to be good when he walked in the door and quietly motioned for me to follow him upstairs, not wanting to disturb the kids from their play. As we rounded the corner to head up the stairs he had begun to be very emotional. The MRI revealed a mass in his arm and it was assumed at that point that it was malignant. As the news spread down our lane of homes some neighbors came over that night to pray with us. Then just two days later we received MRI results from his thigh, again with the same news, a suspected malignant mass. We were scared to say the least and knew the news was not pleasant at this point, but it never even crossed our minds that it was as critical as it was and that Jerry would soon be near death. And so began my urgent e-mails to spread the word and ask for prayer. As information of Jerry's situation spread from coast to coast my e-mail list quickly grew to over 70 addresses and thus this blog was born as a result of the foresight of a friend.
I do not have a good memory and hardly remember much detail about what happened last month, but for some reason I have a very vivid memory of those harsh 5 weeks last year as we dealt with Jerry's progressing cancer. I can remember scenes from doctors appointments, conversations with friends and family, scenes from his hospital stay, memories of all the friends and family who were in and out of our house everyday, the delivery of meals, etc., right down to the date that they occurred in many instances. These scenes have begun playing over and over in my head and it is like reliving that nightmare all over again.
We still miss Jerry tremendously and I can't believe that it will soon be a year since he was a living member of our family. Aside from often wanting to question "why" this happened, I'm also mystified at "how" this happened. How did this happen? I look at our kids and feel guilty as if Jerry and I have somehow failed them, and yet I know this to be a completely irrational thought. The kids and I still talk about Jerry most every day and laugh at memories of things he did or said. Many of you still talk about him too and share stories or memories that you have and I want you to know that we LOVE this. It is also heart warming even just to hear you say that you also miss him and we love to hear his name mentioned. I could spend my whole day talking about him! Many times the kids and I wonder aloud about what Jerry might be thinking as he watches us. This summer I was trying to air up Joshua's bicycle tires before we went for a ride and was having trouble with the tire pump. At one point Joshua said, "Mom, daddy is probably looking down here right now and saying, "Candy, that's not how you do it!" We both laughed at ourselves, and yes we did eventually get the tires aired. As I sit here typing this I'm even chuckling at the sound of the air conditioner running! It has been very hot here the past few days and tonight it did not cool down outside like it normally does and there was simply no breeze to cool the house. It was over 80 degrees upstairs and I didn't want the kids to have to resort to ice packs on their heads! Besides, I decided the kids and I just weren't going to "tough" it out since we didn't have too. I know Jerry is shaking his head!
Please pray for us these next 5 weeks as we deal with the anniversary of our family tragedy. And please know that I read every comment that is posted on this blog and really appreciate hearing from you. Many of you I do not personally know, but you knew Jerry, either from high school or work, jobs, etc. There is no way for me to respond to your comments (I've tried), but want you to know that I do get every single one of them. In fact, I've kept a 3-ring binder of all of my entries to this blog along with every comment that has posted and I keep it up-to-date. The kids will someday be very fulfilled in knowing how many people daddy touched and how many people loved him.
I have swept away your offenses like a cloud, your sins like the morning mist. Return to me, for I have redeemed you. Isaiah 44:22
As I ponder Jerry's life, I can rejoice and say that he has truly been redeemed and returned to
his Creator...
Love, Candy
