It seems nearly impossible to even be writing this entry and that it has been a year since the news of Jerry's cancer was revealed. It was one year ago today that Jerry came home with his MRI results regarding his arm. I knew the news was not going to be good when he walked in the door and quietly motioned for me to follow him upstairs, not wanting to disturb the kids from their play. As we rounded the corner to head up the stairs he had begun to be very emotional. The MRI revealed a mass in his arm and it was assumed at that point that it was malignant. As the news spread down our lane of homes some neighbors came over that night to pray with us. Then just two days later we received MRI results from his thigh, again with the same news, a suspected malignant mass. We were scared to say the least and knew the news was not pleasant at this point, but it never even crossed our minds that it was as critical as it was and that Jerry would soon be near death. And so began my urgent e-mails to spread the word and ask for prayer. As information of Jerry's situation spread from coast to coast my e-mail list quickly grew to over 70 addresses and thus this blog was born as a result of the foresight of a friend.
I do not have a good memory and hardly remember much detail about what happened last month, but for some reason I have a very vivid memory of those harsh 5 weeks last year as we dealt with Jerry's progressing cancer. I can remember scenes from doctors appointments, conversations with friends and family, scenes from his hospital stay, memories of all the friends and family who were in and out of our house everyday, the delivery of meals, etc., right down to the date that they occurred in many instances. These scenes have begun playing over and over in my head and it is like reliving that nightmare all over again.
We still miss Jerry tremendously and I can't believe that it will soon be a year since he was a living member of our family. Aside from often wanting to question "why" this happened, I'm also mystified at "how" this happened. How did this happen? I look at our kids and feel guilty as if Jerry and I have somehow failed them, and yet I know this to be a completely irrational thought. The kids and I still talk about Jerry most every day and laugh at memories of things he did or said. Many of you still talk about him too and share stories or memories that you have and I want you to know that we LOVE this. It is also heart warming even just to hear you say that you also miss him and we love to hear his name mentioned. I could spend my whole day talking about him! Many times the kids and I wonder aloud about what Jerry might be thinking as he watches us. This summer I was trying to air up Joshua's bicycle tires before we went for a ride and was having trouble with the tire pump. At one point Joshua said, "Mom, daddy is probably looking down here right now and saying, "Candy, that's not how you do it!" We both laughed at ourselves, and yes we did eventually get the tires aired. As I sit here typing this I'm even chuckling at the sound of the air conditioner running! It has been very hot here the past few days and tonight it did not cool down outside like it normally does and there was simply no breeze to cool the house. It was over 80 degrees upstairs and I didn't want the kids to have to resort to ice packs on their heads! Besides, I decided the kids and I just weren't going to "tough" it out since we didn't have too. I know Jerry is shaking his head!
Please pray for us these next 5 weeks as we deal with the anniversary of our family tragedy. And please know that I read every comment that is posted on this blog and really appreciate hearing from you. Many of you I do not personally know, but you knew Jerry, either from high school or work, jobs, etc. There is no way for me to respond to your comments (I've tried), but want you to know that I do get every single one of them. In fact, I've kept a 3-ring binder of all of my entries to this blog along with every comment that has posted and I keep it up-to-date. The kids will someday be very fulfilled in knowing how many people daddy touched and how many people loved him.
I have swept away your offenses like a cloud, your sins like the morning mist. Return to me, for I have redeemed you. Isaiah 44:22
As I ponder Jerry's life, I can rejoice and say that he has truly been redeemed and returned to
his Creator...
Love, Candy
9 comments:
I didn't realize it was this week a year ago. Devastating to say the least!
One of the last memories of the hospital was the morning I left Santa Barbara. It was the last time I saw my brother alive. I can remember that day like it was yesterday. Right before I left the hospital, Jerry was able to open his eyes and look at me when I called his name. He blinked when I told him I loved him and the kids loved him. A memory I will never forget!
It was so good to see the three of you this summer. It is a comfort to see that you and the kids are doing ok. I guess I never realized how much Natalie was like Jerry. Obviously Joshua is Jerry made over.
Yes, Jerry touched so many lives. Peyton has sooo many of his traits. Just last night I was trying to help Hayley with her math. Of course 7th grade math is over my head. Jerry always helped me out when I had math questions. As I reached for the phone to call him for help, reality set in, he is no longer with us. He will forever be alive in my heart.
Candy,
This may be a long comment. I read an entry daily from a book by Max Lucado titled "Grace For The Moment". It's a daily scripture with a commentary from Lucado. Today's entry:
Proverbs 3:5 - Trust the Lord with all your heart and don't depend on your own understanding.
A portion of Lucado's commentary: "We must trust God. We must trust not only that he does what is best but that he knows what is ahead. Ponder the words of Isaiah 57:1-2: "the good men perish; the godly die before their time and no one seems to care or wonder why. No one seems to realize that God is taking them away from the evil days ahead. For the godly who die shall rest in peace."
"My, what a thought. God is taking them away from the evil days ahead. Could death be God's grace? Could the funeral wreath be God's safety ring? As horrible as the grave may be, could it be God's protection from the future?"
"Trust in God, Jesus urges, and trust in me." -Max Lucado
I never thought of it that way before.
As always, I think of Jerry often with fond memories, especially when I'm riding my bike or playing golf or eating at El Porton.
-Scott
I was Jerry's college roommate in Hutchinson, KS. We were very good friends. I've tried for years to find Jerry once we lost touch after a few years after we were roommates. My family knew Jerry and he was a person I thought so highly of for all these years. I was a pitcher on the baseball team and Jerry and I were very tight. It's good to see that Jerry has such a beautiful family. Wish we could meet because we shared a lot of internal thoughts and emotions back then. I never forgot them. Whenever I think of Big Spring, TX I think of Jerry. I live in Houston now and he has always been on my mind. I lost another high school buddy last year from cancer and it's so real that it doesn't seem fair at times. Luckily for us we have the Good Lord to lead us. Wish we could talk. Please contact me at dkherald@yahoo.com. My name is Derek Gill-Herald. Just so know that Jerry drew a fabulous cartoon picture of me pitching and it is framed in my office.
As I read your entry today I too remebered when I first heard about Jerry's illness. A bunch of our boys had footbal practice and Ashley told us what she had just heard from you earlier in the day. There were several of us there and just couldn't believe what we were hearing. We all began to pray and keep up with ya'll at that point. I have thought of you often during this last year and have been amazed at your honesty and faithfulness w/ which you write. You are undoubtedly an encouragement to those who read your blog.
Candy,
ALC is Michelle Cook. Not sure how it came out as ALC.
Hi Candy,
Just wanted you to know that I think of you often and have read all of your blog entries with total amazement at your faith and strength. Thank you for teaching the rest of us about the true meaning of love by sharing your thoughts about Jerry and the kids. You are such an awesome example for Joshua and Natalie in every way!!
OH Candy, I read your blogs and get tears in my eyes every time. It seems like years since I have seen you well, IT HAS BEEN!!!! You are still and always will be in my heart and prayers. I feel selfish but I know how blessed you must feel to have had Jerry in your life. He was such a wonderful husband and father, but I feel blessed to know you and cherish wonderful memories of you and Tamey laughing at the old Union Bank bldg!!!!! We were so young and just starting this grown up life thing and look how things have come to pass! I wish I could give you a hug! You will always be Snow White to me! Your children are just angels to have you as a mom! Sending you lots of love! Jan
What a beautiful picture! Candy, just know that I think of you and the kids often. You are in my prayers, I love you.
Tracie Blake
Candy,
I woke from a restless sleep this morning disoriented, and as I checked my cell phone to see the time I noticed the date. I honestly cannot believe that it has been a year. While sitting in bed waiting for the sleepy fog to dissipate I remembered a dream I had the night Jerry Pat passed, and thought I'd share it with you.
In the dream my dad and I were on our way to meet Jerry in St. Louis-for a Cardinals game I'm sure-but we couldn't find him. The GPS that I so very much rely on was leading us in circles and we were getting frustrated. We tried getting a hold of Jerry to make sure he'd given us the correct address, but his phone kept going to voice mail. We drove and drove and drove and we just couldn't get to him. I finally asked my dad if every male in the family was as bad as he was at double-checking crucial information, such as addresses, to which he responded with a laugh. Only it wasn't his laugh, it was Jerry Pat's. Granted, their laughs are very similar, but it was definitely Jerry Pat's.
After waking from this dream, it made me smile to think that even though he's not longer physically with us he still has a way of laughing with us. I've had dreams like this before starring my grandmother and my first pet Dewey shortly after each had passed; and in every dream I try to get to whomever it is and find them just out of reach, or I'm able to hear them but not see them. However, I always have an understanding that they're okay. Which is exactly how I felt about Jerry in that dream.
Hopefully my rambling was semi-coherent as it is very early on this coast. I hope you, Natalie, and Joshua are well. We love you guys so much, and hope to see you soon.
And to Jerry Pat,
We love you and miss you everyday...
"Missy"
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