Dear Friends, Natalie and Joshua are gearing up for Christmas, as they do every year! Our home is decorated and we have beautiful lights on the outside thanks to neighbors, Bob and Dan, who ascended to our rooftop and outlined it with lights like Jerry has done for the past 2 years. I am sure Jerry must be beaming with pride for all our neighbors who are taking such good care of Natalie, Joshua and myself. We truly love each family! It is hard for me preparing for Christmas and the New Year without Jerry by my side. I miss his companionship so much and long for his input in decisions that I must make. I hate being the sole decision maker...and I'm such an indecisive person that it is so funny to me that God would even place me in this position! I just have to laugh sometimes and wonder what His plan is for my life. I have prayed that God will grant me wisdom in everything that I do, and asked that He very clearly lay it all out in front of me, even suggesting that He write it down on paper and just leave it on my countertop. How's that for bold! I'm sure God must shake His head sometimes and think, Candy, Candy, Candy. God certainly has a lot to teach me, and this has been my prayer lately: Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good spirit lead me on level ground. Psalm 143:10 As I still grieve for Jerry everyday, I am constantly reminded of Jesus' grief over the death of Lazarus. However, Jesus didn't weep because Lazarus had died, for He already knew that He was going to bring Lazarus back to life. He wept for the sisters because he saw all the pain they were suffering through and thus people He loved were hurting. I think of my own pain and suffering because of the death of Jerry and to quiet my affliction and grief, I've even wished that God would bring Jerry back to life. I have been reading A Grief Observed by C. S. Lewis. I am actually reading it through a second time and trying to catch everything I missed the first time around. In talking about his wife's death, Lewis also wishes for her return. He then says he never even raised the question whether such a return, if it were possible, would be good for her. Lewis states, "Could I have wished her anything worse? Having got once through death, to come back and then, at some later date, have all her dying to do over again? They call Stephen the first martyr. Hadn't Lazarus the rawer deal?" I had never thought of it that way. For in my affliction I am only thinking of myself and the restoration that I would like for my past life. Would I really want that for Jerry. I think about what all Jerry has gained through death, yes, through death. And now I am beginning to understand Paul's words in Philippians. For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. Philippians 1:21 I can only imagine what all Jerry has gained! He has gained a life in the full presence of the Almighty, free from cancer, free from pain, free from sin. Full of joy, full of happiness, full of peace. Would I really want him to leave all of that? No. And, that's where faith once again enters the picture. For without faith, it is impossible to please God. Hebrews 11:6a I have faith that God is walking this heartbreaking journey right alongside of me. When my heart breaks, His heart breaks. God mourns with me! He cares about every detail of my life. He is the author and perfector of my faith. I trust that He has good things in store for me. Believe that God is good. Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain. - Author Unknown Love, Candy